On the outside, he looks like an average person, possibly retired. He never seems to go to work. He shuffles to his car, comes back with groceries, and walks around the apartment complex with his dog. He is quiet and keeps to himself. You pay him no mind and go about your business.
Imagine waking up in the middle of sound sleep during the night, climbing out of bed, and shuffling off to the bathroom. On your way back to bed, you suddenly slam your big toe into the metal frame holding up the bed. Maybe you scream obscenities or silently grab your foot, the pain throbbing like a white-hot knife cutting you. You rock back and forth, seeing stars in your eyes, waiting for this intense pain to stop. You know it will stop, but it will take minutes that seem like hours. You wake up the next day, the pain is gone, the event barely registers with you, and life goes on as usual.
Now imagine this. What if that level of pain I felt last night never went away? What would that feel like, physically, mentally, emotionally?
When pain never goes away, it's called intractable pain, and millions of people live with it daily. The definition of intractable is hard to control or deal with, out of control, out of hand, and impossible to cope with. Chronic pain is a silent stalker you can never escape.
Every day, you probably encounter many people who live with intractable pain, and you never know it. It could be the girl that just served you coffee at the drive-thru window. Maybe it is the security guard who greets you every morning at your office or someone you don't even know riding up in the elevator with you. Why can't you see it? Because you cannot see on the outside the suffering they endure on the inside. You may see the ravages of illness and consequent pain and what it has done to their physical bodies, but that is seeing only the tip of the iceberg. And we know that 9/10th of an iceberg is underwater, hidden from view. How do I know this? I am one of those people with intractable, chronic pain. Well, I'm here to tell you about how it affected my life, how I survived, and a few things I learned along the way.
There are all manner of medical reasons to explain the causes of chronic pain, and any discussion of that is best left to medically trained people. How to walk through life and society daily in horrible pain that beats your soul to pieces is something that I have experienced. Most of the world does not suffer from crushing, chronic pain, and this is a story for you to give you a glimpse into another world.
I was shopping recently and just happened to park beside a handicapped space. A fellow who looked perfectly normal was getting out of the car—no apparent signs of any physical disability. Now, be truthful. Have you ever seen this before and immediately judged that person and condemned that person in your mind? You decided that they were not handicapped and should not be parking in that space.
I admit that I was one of those people who condemned others. Oh, how I wish I could truly forgive myself for all the times I thought that in my life. I understand what it is like to experience the inward and outward scorn of others because of the effects of my disability and chronic pain, but more on that later.
I was not born into chronic pain. I went from a healthy, fully functioning adult into one with a disabling condition that spiraled downward. It started in mid-life and progresses continually to today. I have no prospect of ever going back to my previous life. When I first learned my diagnosis, the future seemed bleak indeed.
Next week: Descent.
This story was originally published on October 6, 2022.
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