This chapter is the fourth and last installment of a four-part weekly series on the importance of friends and friendships in our lives at all stages. This final installment focuses on our retirement friends at the last stage of life, "On the Back of an Elephant – The Retirement Years."
At this stage of our lives, most of us have lost our parents and have no one to ask about retirement friendships other than other retired friends. And this can be the best stage for friends and fellowship. The primary challenges we face now are aging, declining health, and possibly economic security. It is possible to have lots of friends to enjoy life where the only commonality is being the same age-old. At this stage of your life, there is no workplace, no hierarchy, no society or expectations for accomplishment. There is nothing to prove, no one to please or impress, and no standards of behavior that we haven't already learned. If anyone tries to bother us, all we have to say is "go away" or "we're old" or "we can't be bothered."
Making friends and renewing friendships at this stage can be easy. We all have lived life, and that's a lot to have in common, experiences to share. So, maximize your friendships. Comfort each other. Live every moment to the fullest. These friends will assuredly disappear. So, build as extensive an inventory as you can. If nothing else, be a great friend to others. At this stage of our lives, friendships are when we can all pull together in community and solidarity.
ON THE BACK OF AN ELEPHANT – The Retirement Years
Before I retired, I traveled a lot within the US, east-west, and north-south. There are only a couple of places I haven't been to that I'd like to visit. I traveled twice to Canada, once to the Bahamas and to Jamaica. I trained to be a combat jungle expert for two weeks at the US Army Jungle Warfare School in the then Panama Canal Zone. Unfortunately, I spent only one day as a tourist in Panama City!
Of course, as a native Floridian, I knew all of Florida like the back of my hand. But I had never traveled "overseas" to Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, or Australia. So, when I retired, I had my sights set on them.
But I needed a traveling companion. I tended to run with a younger crowd, and they still worked, didn't have the time or funds, or traveled with their partner. And there was my older sister, whom I've shared I was always very close to and planned to travel with during retirement. Sadly she passed away, and we couldn't realize that dream.
(And, just an aside here, when I did start traveling, I discovered that a number of my other travelers were traveling solo without an accompanying spouse. Their partner didn't like traveling, and they had agreed to let the other partner travel without them. It was a workable arrangement that was more extensive than I had ever imagined. So, in retirement, don't let your spouse hold you back. Come to an agreement, and travel without guilt. And, talk about friends, these people had met new friends traveling and became future travel companions. Some did not even live close to the other. Who knew?!)
Anyhow, my older sister passed away unexpectedly a year before I retired. She would have loved all the places I traveled to during retirement. But this is where my current friends helped me out. I had confided my traveling predicament to them, and they helped out in unexpected ways. One, in particular, was a longtime friend from my former work life and is one of two living friends for whom I have the highest regard as a friend and a person.
A few months after I retired, he invited me to a holiday party where I overheard another guest mention an upcoming trip to China. Guess who quickly became my next best friend? He was part of a limited group taking an excellent guided tour of China for three weeks. There was one opening left, and I jumped on it. Subsequently, we became close friends, and, later, I took most of my other foreign trips with him. He also introduced me to sea cruises, and I took a six-week cruise with him. We traveled through the Panama Canal, crossed the Pacific Ocean (seven days "at sea"), saw the islands of French Polynesia, and landed in Australia for a week. That was my first ever cruise!
He was a world traveler. I traveled with him later across the Atlantic, to Hawaii and Alaska, Colombia, Mexico, Costa Rica, Cuba, the Azores, Northern Europe, the Baltic nations, and St Petersburg, Russia. We also took a cross-country road trip. We visited many sights, saw mutual friends, and ended in Seattle, where we embarked on a cruise to Alaska and Canada. Ten years later, he remains a close friend. And out of an old friendship, I developed many new friends with which to travel and share my retirement years. I only had to ask.
Another mainstay of my retirement friends includes a group of former Florida State University sorority sisters. I knew and met many of them in high school and college, and they were part of my late older sister's sorority. About 15-18 during my early retirement, the number has dwindled to less than 10-12. Four or five I've known since high school.
Many years ago, when I attended the University of Florida, my sister would drive through town and pick me up as she traveled back and forth to Florida State University. Typically, my sister had three sorority sisters sharing the ride. These are all fine ladies who it's been a pleasure to call friends to this day.
After my older sister died, I discovered that she asked one of these ladies to take on the role of my surrogate older sister after her death. She also did the same with one of our cousins to ensure I was covered. They accepted, told me, and I had two new sisters for the one I'd just lost. Ten years later, they continue to fulfill that role, and I'm frequently in contact with them both, just like my deceased sister.
After my sister died, they came to my 65th birthday party. And the sorority sister and my new surrogate sister found a way to help memorialize my sister with me the following Christmas. The sorority sisters gathered at least once a year for a Christmas luncheon. They set an empty place at the table with a glass of wine and a lit candle in my sister's memory and others they lost over the years. My surrogate sister asked me to surprise the group by coming in at the last minute and sitting down in her place. My late sister and I are alike, even slightly so in appearance. It was both a surprise and an emotional moment when I showed up. And they all welcomed me as their "brother" in the warmest way of true friends!
From then on, they insisted I attend their annual Christmas luncheon. When I tried to beg off, as an outsider, for subsequent lunches, they sternly insisted I attend. Four of them who live nearby remain very close friends. One taught me an alternative and daily holistic way to handle arthritis. At the same time, another became my professional interior designer, her full-time business, when I remodeled my condo. And she used her designer discounts and wholesale pricing for all my building and decorating materials, furniture, lighting fixtures, appliances, floor coverings, and similar purchases. It turned out great.
But they also put me to work at their luncheons for special surprises and "amusements."Once, I dressed and portrayed a stereotypical French "masher/gigolo" to tease one of the ladies – even brushing up on my French to be more authentic. One time I materialized in full costume as Santa Claus with a bag of gifts and read from my "Naughty and Nice" book. It was a big hit, cemented my place with them, and was only something you could do with true friends. You never know when a situation for friendship, either new or rediscovered, will manifest itself. You only have to be ready and go with the flow.
My story brings me to my newest friend, another person who I hold in the highest regard and respect as a friend. Her name is Marie, and I could almost write an entire book about Marie. She's like a bunny with endless energy. She keeps going and going. She does more in a day than I could do in a week. I sealed our eternal friendship on the back of an elephant on a photo safari in South Africa.
Marie is a retired middle school teacher from New Jersey and a widow three times over. She's a former New Jersey Teacher of the Year and was a finalist to be a teacher-astronaut on the ill-fated Columbia shuttle mission. She has more life stories than you can imagine. Marie has the warmest smile, the brightest personality, and the kindest and giving heart of anyone I've ever met. I don't think there's a sports figure or entertainment celebrity she hasn't met. And I've seen the photos and autographs to prove it. Better yet, she likes to entertain and party. And she's eight years older and healthier than me. I've learned that I can't keep up with her. But I have fun trying.
I signed up for a two-week guided tour of South Africa – one week in Cape Town and a second week on a photo safari at a private resort out in the wild. They divided everyone on tour into two groups of six. Your assigned group of six stayed together throughout the trip and shared the same van and jeep, the same accommodations, the same meals, the same itinerary, the same driver, and the same tour guide. Everyone flew to Johannesburg and then to Cape Town, where you met your group of six the first night at the resort.
My good travel friend hooked me up with a great travel companion from nearby Sarasota. We arrived late at the resort, but they had kept the kitchen open for use for a limited choice of dinners. Relaxing before dinner one night, a woman diminutive in stature, almost pixie-like, hesitatingly approached our table, introduced herself, and asked if she could join us. She was so friendly and funny that we all instantly liked each other. She was traveling alone, and the three of us became an instant threesome for the next two weeks.
We were on the portion of the tour where we transitioned from the week in Cape Town to the week on safari. We traveled several hours on the road. To break the road trip up, we had several scheduled sight-seeing stops. One was to learn about and experience elephants. There were five elephants ranging in size from enormous to merely big. The handler brought the largest elephant to us, and we fed it handfuls of peanuts. The elephant lay down on its side, and we were allowed to line up and walk the length of the elephant and feel or touch its trunk, face, ear, back, leg, nails, tail, and even the end hairs on the tail.
Then we rode on the back of the elephant. We lined up to "board" it. Each elephant had a "driver" upfront, followed by two riders sitting singly behind. We sat on what seemed like a thin canvas-covered mattress. In the middle of the "mattress," every six inches or so were pairs of sewn-in grab-straps. We were on a high platform and just had to swing one leg over the back of the elephant to get on. Neither Marie nor I would have won the thinnest-tourist award in our group. So mounting the elephant seemed like a small challenge.
That wasn't the problem. The elephant could easily bear our weight, but it became clear that there wasn't anything to hold onto to keep from sliding off. An elephant is quite broad in stature, and our legs were splayed outwards like a gymnast. Then the staff started yelling at Marie, "Grab a set of straps and pull forward!"
Marie yelled back, "But they're under the driver!"
Staff yelled back, "Well, reach under him and grab on."
Then, they started telling me the same thing!
I leaned forward and said to Marie, "I'm sorry, Marie, and excuse me, but consider this a proposal of marriage, which we'll formalize after the ride!"
Then I started fumbling under her behind to find the straps. Marie said, "Oooh, whatever you're doing, keep doing it!"
She was my fiancée now, so everything was good. And off we went. We're the best of friends now, haven't married yet.
Hurricane Harvey destroyed her winter rental on the Texas Gulf Coast. The following winter, she rented a house in The Villages – a retirement fantasy world for the young at heart. Marie was in her element. She bought a place in the first 30 days, sold her New Jersey condo, and moved to Florida. Marie now lives about 80 miles north of me. She stopped by to visit shortly after moving in, took one look at my place, and asked me to help decorate her new place. So I started seeing her almost every weekend. Then she discovered polo, and now I visit during polo season.
Of course, now Marie is the Villages' "Belle of the Ball" and the "hostess with the mostest." She's taught me all sorts of card games, a slew of board games, introduced me to her dozens of friends, thrown two birthday parties for me, gone to movies, plays, and concerts together, and the list goes on.
I've found a new dear retirement friend and, I think, another sister.
Can you recount any friends you've made and kept while traveling? Do you stay in touch or meet up to do things together? Do you see from my various stories how valuable friends are, both short-term and long-term? And that friendships will wax and wane over time and spring up in the strangest and most unexpected ways?
I hope you've found joy, wisdom, and insight in my stories and maybe a touch of nostalgia. Hold on, value, and nurture your friends. As you lose your family over time for whatever reason, they become your mainstay and sustainment in life.
Author's Note to Readers: If you find yourself valuing or needing friendships, some of them may be with past friends you’ve lost track of. Anna Goldfarb authored an article in The New York Times, on July 26, 2018, entitled “How to Revive a Friendship”. She answers questions not only about “How to Revive Friendships”, but also about whether to try. Times and shared experiences have passed, and that makes a difference. Other questions and tips deal with why the friendship ended, what are your expectations for reviving it, and reviving it with a strong sense of purpose. Check out this article if you’re thinking about restoring a past friendship.
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