Somewhere along the line, my grandmother chose faith, hope, and resilience instead of being a victim of her circumstances. For reasons beyond my understanding, she overcame her experience and tried to pass that on to her grandchildren. Her children, grown and on their own, brought their compounded experiences with them and never recovered. It manifested in a fatalistic worldview, alcoholism, and mental illness. In my recovery, I also chose gratitude and nurturing resilience.
After years of alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, and failed suicide attempts, I checked in to the only publicly available alcohol and drug detoxification facility in San Francisco (USA), The Salvation Army. There, I gained the clarity to understand that I was down to my final choice - whether to live or die. Remembering my grandmother and the hardships she had endured, I chose life, and after a time, decided to remain a victim of my circumstances no longer, nor the circumstances I had imposed on myself.
Resilience is the ability to cope with and recover from setbacks; in other words, living on life's terms. Resilient people feel connected to family and community, have self-regulation skills, and are motivated to be effective in their environment. Resilient people have the life skills to be effective and adaptive to challenges. Resilient people have a positive view of themselves and can change positively. Choosing and manifesting resilience develops protective factors for the next generation and creates conditions for a healthier community. A healthier community provides buffers of support and coping strategies for all its members.
My recovery is a product of my engagement in a twelve-step recovery program for alcohol addiction and the lessons learned from those twelve steps. Alcohol appears in the first step, and the remaining eleven steps are a guide to making positive life changes. The steps can address any issue one might be trying to overcome, not just an addiction. It is in the final step, "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message...and to practice these principles in all our affairs." That final phrase taught me to internalize this guide to living and continue to nurture the resilience inspired by the previous steps.
I am fully aware that it is a luxury to have had the opportunity for recovery and the educational opportunities that have been a product of that. I am blessed to have formulated a clearer understanding of where I have come from and how to overcome the circumstances of my family history. I have been enormously privileged. But knowing ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and their capacity to change our DNA makes me weep for the children of war-torn Ukraine, Syria, Iraq, and so many others. I pray they will someday have the opportunity to acquire healthy coping mechanisms and overcome their circumstances for the benefit of the next generation.
My grandmother's family came from centuries of war and famine, and the buck stopped with her. She chose too late for her children, but she did impart kindness, love, and acceptance to all her grandchildren. She impacted all in her orbit through her faith and capacity for hope and charity. She taught me that change is possible and that rather than being a victim of the past, it is a valuable part of who we are. We all have a unique story, with much of it written well before we were born. Understanding our ethnic and cultural history, often lost in the modern world, is crucial to the beginning of each of our stories.
I have retired and returned to the watchful eyes of the little town I grew up in, and yes, they are still watching! But now, it comforts me that the community is watching out for me rather than filling me with dread. I walk past my grandmother's house daily and can see it from my back porch. I visit her grave often. I remember when she held me on her lap with her bright white hair like a halo. I am grateful. Without her and our shared histories, I would not be the person I am today. And I will forever hang onto the memory of the townspeople yelling, "Get off the line, Myrt!"
Postscript: If the reader is looking to overcome adverse childhood experiences and is motivated to begin nurturing resilience in their own life and the lives of others, here is a link to a printable "ACEs Aware Self-care Tool for Adults" developed by the University of California ACEs Aware Family Resilience Network.
Jeff is a retired counselor living his best life as a Midwestern child of the corn.
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