Adults can hurt children by comparing them to others as not good enough, but there is a way to heal and know your self-worth.
I imagined standing up, facing my mother, and confronting her as I wrote quickly in my journal. I poured my heart out, crying, "It's not fair! I am not them. How can you compare us? We are so different!"
Old memories from my childhood came rushing in, flashing in front of my eyes. The one common theme that accompanied me as a child and now as an adult was the constant comparison scare.
Be it my facial features, height, school grades, or career choices. Throughout my life, people compared me to my sisters, neighbors, school friends, and fellow professionals.
My dream project, a script I had written, had just got rejected.
I kept writing, "Why did I get rejected? What's wrong with me?!"
I was furious, boiling with anger, and dejected simultaneously.
"Of course, I was not as good as the others who did get selected, and they were much more qualified than me." These thoughts repeated in my head endlessly, tormenting me. The feeling of not being good enough, not being worthy, was staring at me closely.
Sharing my creative struggles with my mother was never an option for me. She believed that only being a doctor or an engineer was worth the attention. Being creative, having artistic interests could never be taken seriously.
I am one of four siblings, three sisters, and an elder brother. Each one of us was creative in our unique ways. I remember watching my brother make puzzles from scratch, and he created many puzzles using and carving wood.
My elder sister was quiet back then but loved creating wall-hanging artwork using colorful sequences. She made figures of dancing women, and I always put them on a wall.
My younger sister loved dancing, and so did I, and being the middle one, I used to choreograph her dances all the time.
I always wanted to be a performing artist. I wanted to do stage dramas and musicals where one could sing, act and dance. This desire sprung up from us as children attending a community center in our locality.
It was a cultural center where we learned ancient Indian philosophy. This cultural center had many co-curricular activities for all the kids who came daily after school.
Every year from age three to eleven years, we used to go through a three-month preparation to perform an Indian musical on stage. We actively participated, right from the story selection to stage rehearsals. Those experiences were the most vivid, meaningful, and joyful to me. I always loved when the stage curtains were about to part and how I was set on my mark to start my dance drama performance.
The applause and appreciation after the performance were so exciting. My mother loved getting all the attention when other parents and community members approached us kids and pinch our cheeks with appreciation.
But I was always amazed that I had to beg her to allow us to participate in the dance drama performance every year.
Later when I passed high school, I joined a professional theater group. Still, it took much convincing my mother to get her approval.
I followed my heart and graduated from a drama school in the United States. I gave everything I had to the program and had opportunities to work in professional productions. But my accomplishments were not seen as a valuable career in my mother's eyes.
She asked me, "What's the point in graduating in drama or performing arts?" It's the doctor or engineering degree that matters." That was when I realized that she never took my creative work seriously. It was not as valuable as other professions in her eyes.
No amount of success in my creative works would ever be as valuable enough for my mother. And nothing I did could change her perception. Deep down, I wanted my mother to see me, acknowledge my artistic side, and accept me with my not-so-conventional choices.
Of course, it's wired in children to get their parent's approval. And that was important to me, too, as a young adult. For example, as a child, taking up an artistic hobby like joining a theater group was contingent on how well I did in school. Not doing as well as others in school was looked down upon.
My mother always made me feel guilty for asking permission to pursue things I love. I always had to convince her, and I worked hard to get her to say yes, not once but every time!
This way of advocating for myself made the experience of pursuing something I loved tedious and guilt-ridden, as if something was wrong with me. I questioned my self-worth. But of course, I knew that was not true. I have self-worth. I just had to fight these unsupportive environments and overcome them.
"What would it be like if I did not have this sense of guilt for my natural way of seeing things?"
"What would life be like if I could be free from self-doubt and were allowed to express myself unapologetically?"
"What would it be to be free from feeling small compared to others' ideas of success?"
"Don't we all want to be seen and heard?"
I kept on writing my thoughts in my journal.
"Guilt. Self-doubt. I was feeling small or less than others and feeling devalued. All these negative emotional states result from all the manipulations society rubs upon us in very acute ways. And the truth is we've all been there."
I continued writing.
"The consequence of this is unhappiness. If we get trapped in this mindset, it blocks our innate potential and natural abilities. It keeps us from experiencing our fullest expression."
"How could a rejection create such an emotional outburst in me? What triggers this sense of disturbance in the mind?"
I paused, taking a deep breath. I felt as if something heavy had lifted off of me.
Just then, these thoughts floated above in my mind.
"You are already worthy."
I sobbed when I became aware of these words, and I wrote them
down.
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"You are worthy of your own inner approval."
These words were like balm to me. It soothed my mind, and I started to feel better.
I knew there was a better way to deal with being compared to someone or something else, and it shouldn't have to be this emotionally difficult. I just needed to be intentional and open to learning.
Deepti is a storyteller at heart, a lifelong lover of learning, and an advocate for empowering the visions of aspiring entrepreneurs worldwide. Deepti hails from Kolkata, India.
05042023A1/4
Next week. Find Your Self-Worth. Part 2. Willingness.
im4u.world's mission is to give you the tools to change the world.
im4u.world gives you the tools to change the world.
Please share this story with your friends, family, and co-workers.
A vibrant online community for people who yearn to make a difference in the world.
Coming in 2023.
Comments