Over the next decade and a half, after my father died, I experienced many major life events: the death of my mother, failed relationships, the loss of a long-term job, extended unemployment, and I migrated to another part of the country. The transformation of an angry man that began with my father's death continued. Each life event was traumatizing in its way, yet each time, I came back to a new normal, a stronger, more resilient me.
I came to understand that my life was not unique. These events are life on life's terms. Everyone will experience one or more of them if you live long enough. Loss has a way of transforming us into something different. We cannot avoid it, yet we can shape our outcome. It is a choice we must make.
When my father passed away, I was in an abusive relationship that was unfulfilling. I found an inner strength to accept what I could not change and left the relationship in the year that followed. That was new behavior.
I discovered I had lost so much of my sense of self in that relationship, and I began to understand better who I am. Setting your standards and then living by them was the simple direction I received. I cultivated a set of spiritual values that I call my 'North Star.' That set into motion a growing and quiet conviction of belief, and I stopped the endless questioning of which way to go. I began to notice an intuition for the right course of action for me to follow. This guidance, in turn, led me to greater peace with myself and the world, and I stopped second-guessing myself.
Yes, I still would get angry from time to time, but I was surprised how it dissipated quickly. I realized a direct connection between my often overly sensitive and demanding ego and negative behavior - anger, resentment, judgment, arrogance, self-righteousness. The noise of the outside world, current events, politics, and world affairs was just, well, noise. I paid attention to it, but it did not consume me. I followed the convictions of my beliefs but did not die in the process.
I relaxed the controlling side of my personality and gave my work team great creative freedom to do their work, and they shone. My co-workers earned accolades and awards, and I got behind them, cleared roadblocks, and amplified their efforts.
When my mother passed away, I came to understand my powerlessness with most things in life. The medical system failed my mother, and her end of life was painful and hard to watch. I understood that control over most things in my life was an illusion. That was an exciting revelation because once I gave up on that illusion, I could appreciate the beauty and presence of what I was experiencing. Some call it mindfulness. I further evolved into an understanding that there is perfection in the design of the Universe, and I was able to trust and believe that everything would work out. That belief in something for which there is no tangible evidence is faith.
There were more losses in a few short years. A beloved pet died. I found myself trapped in another toxic relationship and managed to extricate myself. I lost a job during the Great Recession with an organization I had worked with for over two decades. Several friends died untimely deaths. I was unemployed for an extended period, so I started a business, closing it a few years later. I took a job in an entirely different field. I migrated to another part of the country. The only constant in my life during this period was change.
With each successive loss over the upcoming years, I made discoveries about myself, a growing awareness of a Presence greater than myself, deepening faith and my understanding that I have a role in the greater All. I gained some wisdom about patience and perseverance. I am not fearless, but I do fear less.
With experience and age comes the possibility of wisdom, and I believe I have some now. The angry man of a few decades ago was a fearful one, and I understand for myself that all emotions are rooted in fear or love. For myself, that significant simplification and truth enable me to assess what the fear is that underlies the anger quickly and take corrective action.
Ask an angry man what he is afraid of, and chances are you will make him angrier. Most think of fear as a weakness. Often unknowingly, they project that fear out as anger trying to incite fear onto others. How ironic is that! When the other person responds in kind it can start a vicious and destructive cycle. During one of his tirades, I once asked my boss what was frightening him. After a WTF* I was talking about, followed by my quick explanation, he turned red in the face, spoke quietly yet forcefully a string of expletives, threatened me with my job, and kicked me out of his office.
And therein lies a problem for many of us. Our lack of self-reflection, our constant blame of external circumstances for our anger (fear), our struggle to change the external world to make our internal selves feel better is a never-ending struggle and cycle. It perpetuates anger and misery in the world. I worked for years for this boss, and I had a good sense of the fears that drove his angry life, mostly because I could recognize those fear within myself. He feared losing prestige and power. He doubted his capabilities in the profession and as a leader, and it manifested in controlling, belittling, threatening behavior. My colleagues at the time came to similar conclusions.
Life is too short to be stuck long-term in toxic relationships, whether it be a marriage or a job, or any other. I sold my soul too many times to do that again. Two and a half years ago, I left a well-paying job with a dysfunctional work culture and decided I wanted a new adventure, my motto for change. I did not know where I would land, what I would do. I used the wisdom that I had been gifted through experience, put my faith in a Power greater than myself, believed I had a place in the All. I jumped right into the co-creation of my new reality.
I don't fear change. I relish it in many ways, and I hope you do too. If anger is your weapon and way of life, I understand how difficult it is to imagine a life without it. I know how it is the automatic first response, and once started, it is a fire that grows and consumes. I also know that it is time to put the weapon down. The issues that threaten humanity's existence will prevail if we cannot stop using our anger to destroy, polarize, threaten, marginalize, deny and ignore. Failure is not an option. The journey begins within, not without.
Peace.
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